Tasali

Jokes:

How to use an ATM machine...
Divert Your Course
Welcome To Flight Number 293

How to use an ATM machine...
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back
page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book
19. Re-check make-up again
20. Drive forward two metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot
provided
24. Re-check make-up
25. Re-start stalled engine and move off
26. Drive for 3 - 4 miles
27. Release hand brake

Divert Your Course
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with
Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval
operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to
avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second
largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are
accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous
support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees
north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or
counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this
ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Welcome To Flight Number 293

A plane was taking off from airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should
have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH
MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back
on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if
I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the
flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the
back of mine!"